I was the most different and difficult to make something understand kind of kid when I was studying in early classes like kindergarten. Very sensitive guy. When classmates go for games or so, I left away sitting in the school veranda or class. If head sweats I catch fever, and mom scold me at home though teacher tries to motivate and classmates feel stuck for making me sweat. Mom’s guidence was as per instructions from medical practitioner. Those horrible days were difficult to manage until I found ways to overcome such silly things and gain better on health.

It was during 1995, a few weeks that my uncle was on leave from Middle East for his wedding. And my uncle, a seminary return, adviced 6 year old me to get married before age 28 as it is the ideal age for men highlighting my dad’s case that he got married only at 33. From those days getting married became a matter of curiosity.

Standard 2 or 3 was when I started to mingle with the class after a lot of turbulences. A newbie joined our class at the beginning of standard 2(‘std 2’ to the best of my memories), who was staying earlier with their parents in Mumbai. Very flirty kind of a guy. But he took some effort to accompany me to the class. One day he teased me with some bollywood songs of that time to a girl from our class. She had a cousin brother in our class. He liked it because I was the most calm one, though ugly and naughty while talking. But that time, hearing our name with a girl feels uncomfortable and I started crying. Unfortunately, I failed to understand a brother’s caring for his sister by his attempt of gifting her with a guy from class, maybe the presence of influence from some movies be there, and I was not able to understand drama or movies due to the lack of access to such things.

Later next year I had a crush on a girl, for the first time in my life after started recognising faces, for whom I got caring and support from: someone who treated me like I am a human with human feelings that requires kindness, affection, etc. She was the child of my mom’s friend. I tried to express my interest on her in my home by wanting to go their home and spending time with her, while studying in std 3. For the first time, after getting me, my mom told me to change my direction as they are a step higher and tried to convince me that guys should never marry a girl who is above him. So I broke the sprout of crush because obedience to parents is a must to a Christian. And mom and dad started to trigger me telling about a cousin who was my same age, lean and dark skinned and very detached from everyone, just to disturb my feelings or may be a prank to see how I reacts when I am vulnerable. My brother who was two years younger to me also started bullying hearing it. Then I was like it was about the skin tone. But it was not. Later I came to understand that it was about the cultural and social or financial things.

Few months later I was sitting alone at the church premises in the parapet of the hall after a sunday mass. It was either the day of laying foundation stone or raising of church bell, I’m not remember about the exact event. There was not a bonding for me with everyone and the guys with buds of friendship were not present then. I sat there all alone for more than 15, 20 minutes when the other children went to play cricket. And a girl one year junior to me at sunday school passed through there. She came near me and sat near me talking for a while starting with why I was there alone. (It was during class 3 or 4). And we chatted for a while about our family members and the family connections that were mostly new information to me. But, a blast happened next week at the church at the public speech of priest during holy mass. The interpretation of the speech was very stiff as someone who passed through that place told our parish vicar that some guys and girls were trying to make relationship at the church premises. And everyone was looking at old guys and girls. But, no one tried to ask anything even though the vicar have not spelled our names. And I was thinking like ‘what kind of world is this’. Two children were just having an introductory talk and what is the level of interpretation this civilized old age people are bringing it to. Later, I felt stunned when our catechism teacher misinterpreted that the vicar’s speech was pointed towards some seniors. Later, that girl hold some space in my mind when some kind of gathering happens in our church. And some team activities at the events like summer camp centred at a different place where the entire churches of the same community gathers created butterflies in the stomach. But, as a controversy, a major diversion happened in my life. Our parish vicar who teases us from the early days of our sunday school about “those who do not (study or so) will be send for marriage and tied with a girl next day itself”. Which created an inner thought like ‘marriage is a punishment’. And the same person created an interest in most guys to fall for religious activities and become a priest. He was like ‘those families who have two boys should sent one among them to the seminary’. Later such thoughts created an interest and thoughts about going to seminary after class 10, and the focus of life has changed accordingly. And highlights of those hatred stories that referred to the stereotypes of Diana’s tragedies were used to mock as a deal breaker for having a family in future by some of the religious preachers. Then life has started to remould with less orientation for natural or worldly thoughts, the thoughts about having a partner or family, etc. And by the time two more schools have changed.

Notable things from std 5 to 8 were about the (1).crush on the universal crush of the school, (2).crush on the only girl who was there to stand with a group of boys of around 10 numbers to receive beating with stick from principal sister for failing in the term exam, (3).christmas friend. By the time the distance with my parish guys of nearest ages which I had after getting bullied from the very beginning of sunday school under age 4, has diminished and started to mingle with them and moved as teammates, though I restricted myself.

Joined next school during the next year with a hidden motive to play football during mornings and weekend days as it was the school with better play ground and a stadium. The motivation to join that school was from some friend’s from the previous class who was regular at attending the games during weekends and didn’t missed to narrate the story at class. But the presence of a teacher at the study centre which is near to the new school, who have some relatives among our parish members and hence treated as an important person to our family and church spoiled my whole plan which diverted the attention towards studies. So I was never been there to the ground other than during drill hours. In the new school that girl from church whom I talked during earlier sunday school class was also there. But the interests to see and talk has gone by the time. Then I started seeing the people and the world differently, a bit more seriously as we hear from religious preachers, while during class 9. Out from class after usual days I walk through the backside gate of the school to reach the bus station as it was very near and has less traffic. Every day when we go through the way a girl comes opposite to our team from our class, who comes through the main gate and goes to her home circling through that path. And after two three days of seeing her created an interest to see her the next day when I go through that road. Next day one guy from our class who is her family friend, and earlier had a crush on her, surprised me telling that a girl from our class is interested in you and it seems like a love. Later that guy disclosed it was her. But my already turned negative and detached mindset told him that I am going to seminary and our priests cannot have marriage. And an escapism based defence mechanism has created in my mind against that budding love. Idiot, right? But it ended with a nickname to me. A very few days later a new teleserial started broadcasting and it was about a magician priest. Such a great hype in the class through the nickname which spread to the co-batches, entire school and to the nearby schools through tuition study centre classes. But, later I changed my plan to join seminary after completing twelfth as per the advice from the family.

Afterwards joined at the same school for plus two. I planned to join the same school since the faces of most guys and girls were familiar to me. So the difficulty to mingle with the new team at new school can be avoided. As a matter of fact making a strong friendship with the already existing friends was the priority of that time. When I got admission to commerce batch my entire plans have turned upside down as the class has a majority population with faces that were new. Though a few classmates were there from my earlier class in the same school and the previous school. Conversion of love or crush that feels in the mind to friendship was a rare skill that I mastered during those times. But during the next years of higher secondary education my thoughts have changed after attending some diocese based 4 or 5 day preparatory camp for those interested to join seminary. And maturity of thoughts started to fluctuate due to teenage interests which lead to the dropping of seminary plan.

Then joined college degree to satisfy the societal expectations which were far beyond my track and interests. After getting an epidemic like thing called chikkun guniya I have turned entirely weak physically, like an elderly person with joint pain. Then my focus and first priority started to move around finding a partner for lifetime from the class itself, if possibly from the very first days of college. As it was a lifetime need of understanding beyond friendships, instead of an occasional meetup in future. More or less, a transition from the impact of a different lifestyle due to the orientation I had towards seminary and spirituality which then needed to be streamlined properly to the track was the priority. Because, then I was almost sure about the upcoming future due to the previous spiritual experience which I have described somewhere else, and anticipated about the outcomes from listening to various stories, which were not different from the experiences I had gone through later. The girl I had a crush looked simple in appearance as directed by parents during childhood. And some familiarity due to the facial similarity with a cousin sister prompt me to go for her. I exploded like an idiot or someone who was on chemical intoxications, what I have in mind, during the carol days of our church, when all the 10 or 15 guys gathered to tell their stories before sleeping altogether in a room with approximately 10*12 size, after the midnight carol service which dispersed after 1 am or 2 am. Then it was for me to assume that it became a matter of talk among the college classmates who were active in social media platforms those days and have connection with some guys from our church. And some college classmates tried to turned it on with a christmas friend scene. But at the third year of the college when I found some common preference with that girl for doing higher studies like MBA, the interest that I had from the beginning of the college classes has expressed in speech. But later the same interest has lowered after coming to know about the booking of admission at their preferred college for higher studies. And it was also an avenue to understand their strict religious community feel at home. Though she showed me a favour by highlighting me an option to give a life to another classmate who is her friend from the childhood days. That girl was exact 6 months younger to me. But I have not considered that offer seriously due to a lack of vibe or connection match.

The college days were over and I went for higher studies to the city which is at another district. As a revenge to all my failed attempts in raising a successful relationship and becoming a frontier in studies I take it as a pledge in mind to find tbh from the institute during the early days itself. And the courage shown by someone to propose a girl who studied during the same time was taken into consideration. If he can give proposal to a junior seen during a flashed moment of the first day of their classes then what is wrong for me to try the same model from my class itself. And I observed every faces during the admission day and later during the first day of the class. Two three faces found familiar even though I was seeing them for the first time. And I tried to choose the girl whose face resembled more to my mom’s earlier face. The rare attribute of resistant kind of speech which is common to my mom’s family has also spotted. So, a new kind of hope was bloomed. It was like: even though it do not turns to a love story I would earn something for my career starting with a combined study to varied possibilities like a relative from my mom’s family. But the things have not turned according to my assumptions and I started to get bullied like somebody’s assignment.

As a trigger to my curiosity this girl was exactly 6 months elder than me. In other words the girl whom I got redirected towards by the college crush and this girl celebrates birthday on the same date every year. And finally I lost my mind towards weaving the foundation for love stories. Which have shifted similar to a mechanical movement after starting job or job shifting, even during the last year when I was active on matrimonial websites. But the biggest mystery of my love life is from my ‘kid time’ journey, under 2 or 3 years of age. Don’t even have any clue about whether it was any cousin or relative, church related one, or someone I have seen on a random from travelling or at any hospital even during my vaccination day’s. Just the sight caught each other and eyes got locked was the only memory, still the biggest mysterious puzzle that I am not able to unlock.