Tag Archives: society

Feeling of guilt for the first time due to a cruelty; a story of empathy

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What truly enhances the magic of childhood memories is the vibrant interaction with peers, those kindred spirits sharing the same age. Yet, for a boy who finds no constancy until the age of five, the world takes on a different hue, weaving an intricate tapestry of emotions throughout his life. In the bustling cities during 90’s, where loneliness often loomed large, children found solace in the flickering glow of televisions. Meanwhile, those who embraced the Flat culture discovered camaraderie in the courtyards, hobby classes, and private parks, forging connections that made their childhood experience all the more enriching.

There might be lot of elders to take care; relatives, family friends or a random visitor. But, it would be a moment of wonder to a child in his age 3 when he get some freedom to interact with another guy from the nearby age group for the first time. An age gap of one year younger sounds as a difficulty in understanding for a cousin brother. That feeling of guilt when a tiny creature you are talking for the first time do not talk back becomes a life lesson which generates a feeling of insult for an elder one. A push or hit with bare hand or with something in hand might be a spontaneous reflex reaction for the silence experienced. There is a moment of ego blast which turns to the sprouts of kindness when the same little guy do not respond back with any harsh response in return other than an innocent stare. But that emotional break down due to empathy from that innocent stare leads to a feeling of connection that creates trauma or trust issue when someone else responds for every word or act.

But that wound will not heals quickly if that little guy is on a short visit for one or two days before going abroad and by the time got placed in the heart beyond a cousin and as a sibling. Relatively, in a locality spanning just 0.2 square miles, there is a vibrant community of over 50 children. Despite some challenges in resources and job opportunities, 44 of these children have had the exciting chance to relocate with their families, exploring new environments even abroad. Among the remaining six, three were thriving at boarding schools and eagerly return to the neighborhood during monthly holidays or vacations. The unique differences that have developed among the children over the years foster a rich variety of interactions, helping them grow and learn from one another in delightful ways.

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Watching the same Indian movie online after 26 years- that was watched in the cinema for the first time

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There was a time when attending the cinema required extensive planning, often involving several days of preparation, and an entire day dedicated to the outing. Watching television at home was limited to terrestrial antennas, dish antennas, or cable TV subscriptions. However, difficulties in receiving signals through terrestrial antennas were prevalent in many rural areas, particularly in hilly regions. The scarcity of a sufficiently affordable population combined with inadequate infrastructure hampered necessary repairs and maintenance, making it challenging for cable TV operators to extend their services to isolated customers, often limited to one or two households situated several kilometers apart.

In rural areas, households with televisions typically restricted their visual media consumption to news reports or utilized devices such as VCPs to view their preferred films. They faced significant challenges due to voltage fluctuations resulting from an unstable power supply, compounded by frequent power outages caused by interruptions in transmission. The availability of electricity was limited, yet almost every home possessed battery-operated radio transmitters. In this context, a trip to the cinema primarily entailed experiencing audio-based narratives from radio for a vast audience. Those who have not watched movies atleast once perceived it as role-playing among a small group of individuals. Though the availability of audio telecasting splitted from the movie was limited to the weekend holiday once a month.

Those were the times when listening to audio cassettes featuring songs from albums or the latest releases of songs from movies of renowned actors served as a primary link to the cinematic world. The purchase of every favored song was often unfeasible due to financial constraints. Movie reviews were disseminated through newspapers and magazines, while music was played on specific programs. On one occasion, I was requested to provide a review of the best film I had seen when a relative visited on vacation. His demeanor changed, becoming slightly embarrassed, as he gathered my brother, my father, and me to attend a film that same weekend, after I admitted that I did not have a favorite movie, having not viewed any film in its entirety during my time in the fifth grade. My father, burdened by his demanding schedule, rarely had the opportunity to accompany us to the cinema.

We arrived at the theater to see the most popular regional film of the time. However, due to the overwhelming crowd, we were unable to secure tickets in a timely manner and consequently missed the screening. As the next viable option, we proceeded to a nearby theater that had limited bookings, where we were able to obtain seats. The film we ultimately watched was a blend of comedy and drama, lacking any notable reviews, and it included several violent scenes, which contributed to its poor ratings.

After exiting the cinema, our uncle, who had taken us to the movies, inquired about our experience. With enthusiasm, I remarked that it was a very enjoyable experience. He then probed into the performances of specific actors, to which I responded that they were commendable. However, he noted that some critics are masked in the story, failing to elaborate on this point for us, as children. This reflection now makes sense to me as I am sure about it’s narrative. When I recounted my first cinema experience to my friends at school, who were predominantly movie enthusiasts, I felt as though I belonged to a different realm, especially as they expressed their desire to abandon the film after just a few minutes of its peculiar nature on television.

Throughout this years it was not watched for the second time. But last week, some time and effort were taken to watch it online. The perspective that I had about the movie is entirely changed and is very different from watching for the first time. Though it is fascinating that the story and a few scenes together with some characters remain in the mind as exactly it is.

A timeline with love stories

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I was the most different and difficult to make something understand kind of kid when I was studying in early classes like kindergarten. Very sensitive guy. When classmates go for games or so, I left away sitting in the school veranda or class. If head sweats I catch fever, and mom scold me at home though teacher tries to motivate and classmates feel stuck for making me sweat. Mom’s guidence was as per instructions from medical practitioner. Those horrible days were difficult to manage until I found ways to overcome such silly things and gain better on health.

It was during 1995, a few weeks that my uncle was on leave from Middle East for his wedding. And my uncle, a seminary return, adviced 6 year old me to get married before age 28 as it is the ideal age for men highlighting my dad’s case that he got married only at 33. From those days getting married became a matter of curiosity.

Standard 2 or 3 was when I started to mingle with the class after a lot of turbulences. A newbie joined our class at the beginning of standard 2(‘std 2’ to the best of my memories), who was staying earlier with their parents in Mumbai. Very flirty kind of a guy. But he took some effort to accompany me to the class. One day he teased me with some bollywood songs of that time to a girl from our class. She had a cousin brother in our class. He liked it because I was the most calm one, though ugly and naughty while talking. But that time, hearing our name with a girl feels uncomfortable and I started crying. Unfortunately, I failed to understand a brother’s caring for his sister by his attempt of gifting her with a guy from class, maybe the presence of influence from some movies be there, and I was not able to understand drama or movies due to the lack of access to such things.

Later next year I had a crush on a girl, for the first time in my life after started recognising faces, for whom I got caring and support from: someone who treated me like I am a human with human feelings that requires kindness, affection, etc. She was the child of my mom’s friend. I tried to express my interest on her in my home by wanting to go their home and spending time with her, while studying in std 3. For the first time, after getting me, my mom told me to change my direction as they are a step higher and tried to convince me that guys should never marry a girl who is above him. So I broke the sprout of crush because obedience to parents is a must to a Christian. And mom and dad started to trigger me telling about a cousin who was my same age, lean and dark skinned and very detached from everyone, just to disturb my feelings or may be a prank to see how I reacts when I am vulnerable. My brother who was two years younger to me also started bullying hearing it. Then I was like it was about the skin tone. But it was not. Later I came to understand that it was about the cultural and social or financial things.

Few months later I was sitting alone at the church premises in the parapet of the hall after a sunday mass. It was either the day of laying foundation stone or raising of church bell, I’m not remember about the exact event. There was not a bonding for me with everyone and the guys with buds of friendship were not present then. I sat there all alone for more than 15, 20 minutes when the other children went to play cricket. And a girl one year junior to me at sunday school passed through there. She came near me and sat near me talking for a while starting with why I was there alone. (It was during class 3 or 4). And we chatted for a while about our family members and the family connections that were mostly new information to me. But, a blast happened next week at the church at the public speech of priest during holy mass. The interpretation of the speech was very stiff as someone who passed through that place told our parish vicar that some guys and girls were trying to make relationship at the church premises. And everyone was looking at old guys and girls. But, no one tried to ask anything even though the vicar have not spelled our names. And I was thinking like ‘what kind of world is this’. Two children were just having an introductory talk and what is the level of interpretation this civilized old age people are bringing it to. Later, I felt stunned when our catechism teacher misinterpreted that the vicar’s speech was pointed towards some seniors. Later, that girl hold some space in my mind when some kind of gathering happens in our church. And some team activities at the events like summer camp centred at a different place where the entire churches of the same community gathers created butterflies in the stomach. But, as a controversy, a major diversion happened in my life. Our parish vicar who teases us from the early days of our sunday school about “those who do not (study or so) will be send for marriage and tied with a girl next day itself”. Which created an inner thought like ‘marriage is a punishment’. And the same person created an interest in most guys to fall for religious activities and become a priest. He was like ‘those families who have two boys should sent one among them to the seminary’. Later such thoughts created an interest and thoughts about going to seminary after class 10, and the focus of life has changed accordingly. And highlights of those hatred stories that referred to the stereotypes of Diana’s tragedies were used to mock as a deal breaker for having a family in future by some of the religious preachers. Then life has started to remould with less orientation for natural or worldly thoughts, the thoughts about having a partner or family, etc. And by the time two more schools have changed.

Notable things from std 5 to 8 were about the (1).crush on the universal crush of the school, (2).crush on the only girl who was there to stand with a group of boys of around 10 numbers to receive beating with stick from principal sister for failing in the term exam, (3).christmas friend. By the time the distance with my parish guys of nearest ages which I had after getting bullied from the very beginning of sunday school under age 4, has diminished and started to mingle with them and moved as teammates, though I restricted myself.

Joined next school during the next year with a hidden motive to play football during mornings and weekend days as it was the school with better play ground and a stadium. The motivation to join that school was from some friend’s from the previous class who was regular at attending the games during weekends and didn’t missed to narrate the story at class. But the presence of a teacher at the study centre which is near to the new school, who have some relatives among our parish members and hence treated as an important person to our family and church spoiled my whole plan which diverted the attention towards studies. So I was never been there to the ground other than during drill hours. In the new school that girl from church whom I talked during earlier sunday school class was also there. But the interests to see and talk has gone by the time. Then I started seeing the people and the world differently, a bit more seriously as we hear from religious preachers, while during class 9. Out from class after usual days I walk through the backside gate of the school to reach the bus station as it was very near and has less traffic. Every day when we go through the way a girl comes opposite to our team from our class, who comes through the main gate and goes to her home circling through that path. And after two three days of seeing her created an interest to see her the next day when I go through that road. Next day one guy from our class who is her family friend, and earlier had a crush on her, surprised me telling that a girl from our class is interested in you and it seems like a love. Later that guy disclosed it was her. But my already turned negative and detached mindset told him that I am going to seminary and our priests cannot have marriage. And an escapism based defence mechanism has created in my mind against that budding love. Idiot, right? But it ended with a nickname to me. A very few days later a new teleserial started broadcasting and it was about a magician priest. Such a great hype in the class through the nickname which spread to the co-batches, entire school and to the nearby schools through tuition study centre classes. But, later I changed my plan to join seminary after completing twelfth as per the advice from the family.

Afterwards joined at the same school for plus two. I planned to join the same school since the faces of most guys and girls were familiar to me. So the difficulty to mingle with the new team at new school can be avoided. As a matter of fact making a strong friendship with the already existing friends was the priority of that time. When I got admission to commerce batch my entire plans have turned upside down as the class has a majority population with faces that were new. Though a few classmates were there from my earlier class in the same school and the previous school. Conversion of love or crush that feels in the mind to friendship was a rare skill that I mastered during those times. But during the next years of higher secondary education my thoughts have changed after attending some diocese based 4 or 5 day preparatory camp for those interested to join seminary. And maturity of thoughts started to fluctuate due to teenage interests which lead to the dropping of seminary plan.

Then joined college degree to satisfy the societal expectations which were far beyond my track and interests. After getting an epidemic like thing called chikkun guniya I have turned entirely weak physically, like an elderly person with joint pain. Then my focus and first priority started to move around finding a partner for lifetime from the class itself, if possibly from the very first days of college. As it was a lifetime need of understanding beyond friendships, instead of an occasional meetup in future. More or less, a transition from the impact of a different lifestyle due to the orientation I had towards seminary and spirituality which then needed to be streamlined properly to the track was the priority. Because, then I was almost sure about the upcoming future due to the previous spiritual experience which I have described somewhere else, and anticipated about the outcomes from listening to various stories, which were not different from the experiences I had gone through later. The girl I had a crush looked simple in appearance as directed by parents during childhood. And some familiarity due to the facial similarity with a cousin sister prompt me to go for her. I exploded like an idiot or someone who was on chemical intoxications, what I have in mind, during the carol days of our church, when all the 10 or 15 guys gathered to tell their stories before sleeping altogether in a room with approximately 10*12 size, after the midnight carol service which dispersed after 1 am or 2 am. Then it was for me to assume that it became a matter of talk among the college classmates who were active in social media platforms those days and have connection with some guys from our church. And some college classmates tried to turned it on with a christmas friend scene. But at the third year of the college when I found some common preference with that girl for doing higher studies like MBA, the interest that I had from the beginning of the college classes has expressed in speech. But later the same interest has lowered after coming to know about the booking of admission at their preferred college for higher studies. And it was also an avenue to understand their strict religious community feel at home. Though she showed me a favour by highlighting me an option to give a life to another classmate who is her friend from the childhood days. That girl was exact 6 months younger to me. But I have not considered that offer seriously due to a lack of vibe or connection match.

The college days were over and I went for higher studies to the city which is at another district. As a revenge to all my failed attempts in raising a successful relationship and becoming a frontier in studies I take it as a pledge in mind to find tbh from the institute during the early days itself. And the courage shown by someone to propose a girl who studied during the same time was taken into consideration. If he can give proposal to a junior seen during a flashed moment of the first day of their classes then what is wrong for me to try the same model from my class itself. And I observed every faces during the admission day and later during the first day of the class. Two three faces found familiar even though I was seeing them for the first time. And I tried to choose the girl whose face resembled more to my mom’s earlier face. The rare attribute of resistant kind of speech which is common to my mom’s family has also spotted. So, a new kind of hope was bloomed. It was like: even though it do not turns to a love story I would earn something for my career starting with a combined study to varied possibilities like a relative from my mom’s family. But the things have not turned according to my assumptions and I started to get bullied like somebody’s assignment.

As a trigger to my curiosity this girl was exactly 6 months elder than me. In other words the girl whom I got redirected towards by the college crush and this girl celebrates birthday on the same date every year. And finally I lost my mind towards weaving the foundation for love stories. Which have shifted similar to a mechanical movement after starting job or job shifting, even during the last year when I was active on matrimonial websites. But the biggest mystery of my love life is from my ‘kid time’ journey, under 2 or 3 years of age. Don’t even have any clue about whether it was any cousin or relative, church related one, or someone I have seen on a random from travelling or at any hospital even during my vaccination day’s. Just the sight caught each other and eyes got locked was the only memory, still the biggest mysterious puzzle that I am not able to unlock.

The New Economic Disasters- A context from India

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It was with curiosity that a Google search was initiated for finding the GSTIN with a state code that starts with 99. The matter is around a bill receipt that was received against the domain name registered in a popular platform ‘WordPress.com’ for the blog I used for creating content. The same GST number that have not been noticed last year when subscription was received at 90% discount. It is to be noted that the bill is only for registration and renewal of domain name. Availing the premium services or monetization of the website/blog (which is somewhat treated similar to making money from online gaming or gambling) need other subscriptions. The standard GSTIN is a 15 digit alphanumeric code that starts with the state code. In case if the GSTIN belongs to a non resident then the ‘N’ will be highlighted at the appropriate space in the GSTIN. A lightening that flashed through the mind while seeing the GSTN of non-residents was about the exemption of healthcare facilities from GST and hospitals displaying GSTIN before everywhere other than at the pharmacy. Here, the address of the vendor is shown as Automattic Inc., San Francisco, United States of America. As GSTIN is publically displayed, the vendor GST ‘99*19USA29016OS2’ is displaying here. It is notable that the ‘N’ for non-resident is absent. As read earlier if the company is a resident then they might have an office in the country. As there is nothing called GST number in USA, it is to be assumed that it is specifically registered for their Indian customers counterpart. Further searches that were followed by the initial searches shows that 99 is a special code assigned directly by the Centre and it will not be related to a specific State. When the GSTIN was searched it shows the same address in the bill and filing has been made by them in GSTR 5A every month. A doubt that has arisen was if the company is a non-resident then why do they charge tax from the retail customers who are not registered with GST. And there is reverse charge option for Indian companies with GSTIN who avail the service and as a result GST registration is not needed for such an American company. What might be the obligation of a US based company like Automattic.Inc to collect and pay tax to India? When the GST registration details were looked it shows that it is categorised under web hosting, online gaming, etc. It reminded about the noise that has break out against charging taxes for online gaming and tax notices sent to online gaming companies for earlier taxation periods and the ongoing litigation at SC of India. Some data shows that the ecosystem of Automattic.Inc is linked to 40% or more of the entire internet that relates to WordPress, Woocommerce, and so on. Some of the world’s popular organisations which uses the enterprise level premium subscription of WordPress (WordPress VIP) priced around 2 million INR are Meta, Microsoft, IBM, NASA, The White house, CNN, Aljazeera, Capegemini, etc. A plugin from WordPress is widely accepted for it’s scalability by Meta and news channels, as it can handle millions of visitors at a time during breaking news or product launches. Hence, it is an indirect way that Automattic Inc. through Woocommerce that they could know and understand about the activities of GST in India by availing their software for invoice generation, GST filing, etc. The standalone platforms of websites of financial sector like GST, banking, etc. demands privacy and are run by GOI in association with Indian tech companies with different coding features apart from the organizations hosted by WordPress. So no one can easily access the data from GOI and it could act as a hindrance for their interference. It was with immense pride that our leadership clapped hands for reporting formats like xbrl by companies like Infosys, TCS, etc. Yes, it was of course secure. But, one day when our female workforce who are behind the development and maintenance of software system was negotiated by some groups for their advantage it was not only their personal modesty that got troubled. It was the national security that got breached. Since it was an act that has the potential to threaten and destroy entire Indian economy, specifically through banking, such culprits need to be treated under UAPA itself. But, the network which want to derail our security tries constantly for our degradation. Some of the countries that share border with India have enmity towards us from the earlier days. Earlier, it was only our citizens who were there at other countries especially in the Arab regions co-existed with them and have communications with those citizens from such countries which have enmity towards us. But the gateways of communication are easily available to everyone in this times of communication revolution and AI. Recently, at such a context on a near war situation at the global front our NSA tweeted and urged everyone for their contribution against the acts of national security in their individual capacity since it is beyond the reaching hands of military. It is heart breaking that some of the groups in the party based political ecosystem with well structure and functional organisations containing violent groups together with their youth organisations which responds for each and every actions that affect the society were the ones who were primarily hijacked years before and are acting like a mechanism for some anti-national groups. Later, the youth and active ones belonging to some backward communities who do not rely on history were also misused by such enemy hands against themselves as well as the mainstream communities for injecting their ideologies according to their will and needs. Fancy names like narcotic jihad were not considered seriously by our society since it sounds like it will not hurt the society as there are elderly insiders among them who have global exposure within such culprits to oppose against such activities. But, the situation has changed and is different now. The population which obeys the rule of law has declined. It is somewhat alarming that the number of persons in the main stream society who got abused or intoxicated with narcotics or similar substances and thereby pushing to fell them with health issues that affect brain and mind for opposing such unlawful activities have been increased. The role of internet based networking is notable behind such changes.While looking back it can be seen as caution only since it becomes easy for the enemies to fasten their operations in a place where Finance, Law and healthcare are compromised. A lot of cultural exchange have happened due to LPG. But, economic reforms which emphasises LPG turned into a question mark at such a moment when inflation and less GDP hit simultaneously, though we have survived the recession of 2008. It didn’t affected our national economy directly. It is applauded that humanitarian elements and fraternity bonds have increased globally and visibly there is no one as strangers. On a contrary internet based networking channelized into a new economic corridor from 2005 by the so called creepy organisations of the world with the emergence of social media platforms like Orkut, Facebook, etc. The back door immigrations continued even after India got independence. It still remains suspicious and together with it a new challenge in the form of cyber space was really a terrible hit. The system has not acquired such development to employ the majority of its citizens into government sponsored jobs throughout this decades. It was when we are going through such a context that we got hit by a cockroach remark towards that category of unemployed youth. The countrymen who crossed the national boundaries for employment due to lack of required amenities in the country would also be needed to get dignified if they return back due to overcrowd of Indians in such countries, non receipt of salary and incomes due to geopolitical issues, etc.

A timeline with biography

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1.I am a 90’s kid born in the September of 1989. Live life to the fullest is the motto that has been taught to us from the very early days of school education. Until going to school I have not been mingled with anyone from the peer group. But one memory that I have with someone from the nearest age group is my cousin brother, first cousin who is one year younger, whom I hit using a coconut shell while playing with it when he was nearly 2 years.

2.When I was admitted to school I felt like I was an alien from a different world. I was very sensitive and not an easily get mingled type. What bothered me most was that other children in the class were fully engaged in everything and studies as well. All boys had TV in their home and they discussed either cartoon stories, films or sports news in the class. Then I have to sit back like a rotten egg. By UKG I became the last man of the class in studies also, who fails in some subjects. By the time there was created a gap or separation between boys and girls in the class and it has also acted as a barrier to me for proper social development. The family background of mom where her father abandoned them, mom and her three siblings together with their mother, has also created a lot of trauma apart from the reactions from school to my life.

3.Parallel to school studies it was mandatory to follow catechism at church because we belongs to an aristocratic Christian family. There was also a group of peers who were constant while reaching high school, college, etc. But some clashes/silly fights in the early days with them created a long distant gap with a majority of them even though we stood like we were connected. Our new parish priest who took charge of the church those days came to visit our home for the first time. After seeing that we are two boys he started to create an urge in us or started to force joining seminary and became priest when we becomes old stating that one guy can look after the parents and the other one need to serve God. That church priest whenever saw me or my brother repeats that words ‘I am taking you to seminary to have a priest from our church’.

4.My biggest strength and the only human I seen as a companion till those days, my grandpa, passed away when I was studying in standard 4. Our neighbourhood has only limited number of houses. Elder ones were supportive but they have limitations. A junior at school was also there as the neighbourhood companion but she also has limitations.

5.Since I was poor in studies due to lack of input or external information from mass media, I asked my parents to shift my school to state syllabus which is easier to study, without stating them the reason. But I was transferred to another school to standard 5 with higher standards. There I got opening to a new world. By the time television has been bought at my house but limitations still followed as there are only Free To Air channels. So the movies that my friends watch at HBO or Star Movies and the Cricket/Football matches and World cups at Star sports and further discussions about it which was a booster of communication as well as group discussion skills and a source of information got missed.

6.When I joined standard 5 at the new school, my backwardness in studies was started to address by the teachers. Also, I started combined studies with a topper of the class after regular class hours during the time waiting for school bus. And individual care has received from teachers when I was studying in standard 8 during regular class hours to bring me equal to other students in the class. All such efforts found meaningless when I received warning during mid term exam since it was the policy of the school to drop out or degrade one year to those who under performs just to ensure higher pass percentage at standard 10.

7.So, I opted for the change of school because it ensures promotion to next class though it is a shift to state syllabus. And eventually I joined new school at class 9 where I stood as an above average one in studies till class 12. Moves to join seminary has sprout out and gradually it came to halt during the time because I got to bother more about my inability to speak normally during that time. There were days when I prayed 3 to 5 hours per day during the time because it was given as guidance from some nun during a summer camp for catechism students at our church which was there every year. The prayer that stays as the foundation of Christianity- our father who art in heaven. It was the time for model exam of class 10 when my grandmother’s mother is about to have her last breathe. My grandma in her late sixties was also with her to look after her even though grandmother’s father was also there. It was midnight and I was in deep sleep after studies up to 1am. Few minutes later I heard the voice of that granny in my mother tongue, ‘son, I am going’. That moment I fall awake from sleep. Next moment our land phone ringed which was from grandmother telling that her mother passed away. This incidence has created lot of superstitions in me and it take years for me to understand that there is no need to get involved and become blind about religion, prayer and spirituality. Because we cannot control anything related to it and it happens naturally which do not demands our human involvement.

8.Since I was a Commerce student without maths or computer applications at higher secondary level I didn’t get admission for B.Com with Computer Applications to my preferred college even though I got recommended by a Rajya Sabha member who was my paternal cousin. Since I am not good at speaking and communication it was like a last option for me to take MCA after graduation because computer programming does not require interpersonal skills, but I have not told about such a plan at home because I can expect the possible reply. Finally I got admitted to B.Com with marketing. As I have heard a lot of military stories from my grandma I was interested to join NCC during college. But, as it was days after horrible chikkun guniya, I felt more weak physically and I have to drop NCC dreams also. My days of depression and mental health issues has started to sprout out. I started thinking about committing suicide. I tried to push me out from such thoughts by forcing me to express my college crush or love for some girls in the class. I know it takes time to fall in love naturally but it was the only option for me to push me to a fast pace to save myself. But, that mission too has failed because love has to take effect only after a positive response from the other side. Anyway, fortunately or unfortunately I have cleared every subjects of graduation in the first attempt itself.

9.As higher education in marketing comprises Advertising which is a creative and well paid job I opted for a PG Diploma in Advertising. I joined the apex Institute of the state for Mass Communications. But, it has not became fruitful. My past which was centred on prayer and spirituality has started to hunt me. Eventually I have to drop out from the course in the final days of the course. Those days I had my 21st birthday and I attempted to suicide on that day by creating a mix of alcohol and overdose of some medicine. As it didn’t worked I went back to institute the same day after few days of holidays. But, this time I got a bit out of order. I have difficulty in interacting with others. Though, mom has given pocket money for the next few days, but I spent it for buying sweets for hostel friends on birthday and the rest amount was spent for drinks for those who drink. I became out of money and I felt more conscious about money. I felt like I do not depend anyone for a single rupee. Though I needed detergents for washing, my self esteem didn’t allowed me to depend on others. Hence I wore the same clothes including innerwear for next few days. One evening I went out from hostel and came back to home by calling my dad to nearest railway station where I reached. Next day some hostel friends called home and told my dad to bring me to institute since it is the last day of the course and I need to be there. As I hesitated to reach there my dad has taken me there.

10.From March of 2010 to 2020, I have gone through very difficult situations and I have attempted to suicide multiple times because of lack of proper education, entry to a job, deficiency in earnings, finding a relationship, etc. One time I put alcohol blended with warm water which over stimulated and manipulated my brain. It was the day’s of ice breaking challenge all over the world and our parish priest of that time quoted about it in his Sunday speech. That days I was very active in social media and have given reply to the post of Pope Benedict VI as part of ice breaking challenge, afterwards it made me think like my comment was the reason for Pope’s unusual retirement. Still I am not sure whether it was my message or someone else’s comment or reply that became the reason. Then I was admitted for treatment related to mind and a lot of mistreatment has incurred into it as I have not co-operated with the medical team for which I am suffering for its outcomes this days too. My birth day of 2019 was a real question of existence for me. I have made a food poison and consumed it. Some symptoms that occurred during that days were similar to the symptoms of the pandemic which occurred after three or four months. Which made me think blindly like was I the reason for it. Controversially, the environment of the offices I joined for training and the other one for job which were like family where everyone were like family members has influenced me a lot and started making changes to me mentally, socially, etc. At least I can resist suicidal thoughts now and to the best of my practices I have stopped going to church regularly, where born criminals and anti-socials in spite of their 50’s, 60’s or older rock, even though how good the present vicar is.