1.I am a 90’s kid born in the September of 1989. Live life to the fullest is the motto that has been taught to us from the very early days of school education. Until going to school I have not been mingled with anyone from the peer group. But one memory that I have with someone from the nearest age group is my cousin brother, first cousin who is one year younger, whom I hit using a coconut shell while playing with it when he was nearly 2 years.

2.When I was admitted to school I felt like I was an alien from a different world. I was very sensitive and not an easily get mingled type. What bothered me most was that other children in the class were fully engaged in everything and studies as well. All boys had TV in their home and they discussed either cartoon stories, films or sports news in the class. Then I have to sit back like a rotten egg. By UKG I became the last man of the class in studies also, who fails in some subjects. By the time there was created a gap or separation between boys and girls in the class and it has also acted as a barrier to me for proper social development. The family background of mom where her father abandoned them, mom and her three siblings together with their mother, has also created a lot of trauma apart from the reactions from school to my life.

3.Parallel to school studies it was mandatory to follow catechism at church because we belongs to an aristocratic Christian family. There was also a group of peers who were constant while reaching high school, college, etc. But some clashes/silly fights in the early days with them created a long distant gap with a majority of them even though we stood like we were connected. Our new parish priest who took charge of the church those days came to visit our home for the first time. After seeing that we are two boys he started to create an urge in us or started to force joining seminary and became priest when we becomes old stating that one guy can look after the parents and the other one need to serve God. That church priest whenever saw me or my brother repeats that words ‘I am taking you to seminary to have a priest from our church’.

4.My biggest strength and the only human I seen as a companion till those days, my grandpa, passed away when I was studying in standard 4. Our neighbourhood has only limited number of houses. Elder ones were supportive but they have limitations. A junior at school was also there as the neighbourhood companion but she also has limitations.

5.Since I was poor in studies due to lack of input or external information from mass media, I asked my parents to shift my school to state syllabus which is easier to study, without stating them the reason. But I was transferred to another school to standard 5 with higher standards. There I got opening to a new world. By the time television has been bought at my house but limitations still followed as there are only Free To Air channels. So the movies that my friends watch at HBO or Star Movies and the Cricket/Football matches and World cups at Star sports and further discussions about it which was a booster of communication as well as group discussion skills and a source of information got missed.

6.When I joined standard 5 at the new school, my backwardness in studies was started to address by the teachers. Also, I started combined studies with a topper of the class after regular class hours during the time waiting for school bus. And individual care has received from teachers when I was studying in standard 8 during regular class hours to bring me equal to other students in the class. All such efforts found meaningless when I received warning during mid term exam since it was the policy of the school to drop out or degrade one year to those who under performs just to ensure higher pass percentage at standard 10.

7.So, I opted for the change of school because it ensures promotion to next class though it is a shift to state syllabus. And eventually I joined new school at class 9 where I stood as an above average one in studies till class 12. Moves to join seminary has sprout out and gradually it came to halt during the time because I got to bother more about my inability to speak normally during that time. There were days when I prayed 3 to 5 hours per day during the time because it was given as guidance from some nun during a summer camp for catechism students at our church which was there every year. The prayer that stays as the foundation of Christianity- our father who art in heaven. It was the time for model exam of class 10 when my grandmother’s mother is about to have her last breathe. My grandma in her late sixties was also with her to look after her even though grandmother’s father was also there. It was midnight and I was in deep sleep after studies up to 1am. Few minutes later I heard the voice of that granny in my mother tongue, ‘son, I am going’. That moment I fall awake from sleep. Next moment our land phone ringed which was from grandmother telling that her mother passed away. This incidence has created lot of superstitions in me and it take years for me to understand that there is no need to get involved and become blind about religion, prayer and spirituality. Because we cannot control anything related to it and it happens naturally which do not demands our human involvement.

8.Since I was a Commerce student without maths or computer applications at higher secondary level I didn’t get admission for B.Com with Computer Applications to my preferred college even though I got recommended by a Rajya Sabha member who was my paternal cousin. Since I am not good at speaking and communication it was like a last option for me to take MCA after graduation because computer programming does not require interpersonal skills, but I have not told about such a plan at home because I can expect the possible reply. Finally I got admitted to B.Com with marketing. As I have heard a lot of military stories from my grandma I was interested to join NCC during college. But, as it was days after horrible chikkun guniya, I felt more weak physically and I have to drop NCC dreams also. My days of depression and mental health issues has started to sprout out. I started thinking about committing suicide. I tried to push me out from such thoughts by forcing me to express my college crush or love for some girls in the class. I know it takes time to fall in love naturally but it was the only option for me to push me to a fast pace to save myself. But, that mission too has failed because love has to take effect only after a positive response from the other side. Anyway, fortunately or unfortunately I have cleared every subjects of graduation in the first attempt itself.

9.As higher education in marketing comprises Advertising which is a creative and well paid job I opted for a PG Diploma in Advertising. I joined the apex Institute of the state for Mass Communications. But, it has not became fruitful. My past which was centred on prayer and spirituality has started to hunt me. Eventually I have to drop out from the course in the final days of the course. Those days I had my 21^st birthday and I attempted to suicide on that day by creating a mix of alcohol and overdose of some medicine. As it didn’t worked I went back to institute the same day after few days of holidays. But, this time I got a bit out of order. I have difficulty in interacting with others. Though, mom has given pocket money for the next few days, but I spent it for buying sweets for hostel friends on birthday and the rest amount was spent for drinks for those who drink. I became out of money and I felt more conscious about money. I felt like I do not depend anyone for a single rupee. Though I needed detergents for washing, my self esteem didn’t allowed me to depend on others. Hence I wore the same clothes including innerwear for next few days. One evening I went out from hostel and came back to home by calling my dad to nearest railway station where I reached. Next day some hostel friends called home and told my dad to bring me to institute since it is the last day of the course and I need to be there. As I hesitated to reach there my dad has taken me there.

10.From March of 2010 to 2020, I have gone through very difficult situations and I have attempted to suicide multiple times because of lack of proper education, entry to a job, deficiency in earnings, finding a relationship, etc. One time I put alcohol blended with warm water which over stimulated and manipulated my brain. It was the day’s of ice breaking challenge all over the world and our parish priest of that time quoted about it in his Sunday speech. That days I was very active in social media and have given reply to the post of Pope Benedict VI as part of ice breaking challenge, afterwards it made me think like my comment was the reason for Pope’s unusual retirement. Still I am not sure whether it was my message or someone else’s comment or reply that became the reason. Then I was admitted for treatment related to mind and a lot of mistreatment has incurred into it as I have not co-operated with the medical team for which I am suffering for its outcomes this days too. My birth day of 2019 was a real question of existence for me. I have made a food poison and consumed it. Some symptoms that occurred during that days were similar to the symptoms of the pandemic which occurred after three or four months. Which made me think blindly like was I the reason for it. Controversially, the environment of the offices I joined for training and the other one for job which were like family where everyone were like family members has influenced me a lot and started making changes to me mentally, socially, etc. At least I can resist suicidal thoughts now and to the best of my practices I have stopped going to church regularly, where born criminals and anti-socials in spite of their 50’s, 60’s or older rock, even though how good the present vicar is.